Going through the motions of falling in Love only to see that dream of a wholesome family life come crashing down is difficult, to put it mildly. Especially after knowing how close you came to making it happen. But times change, people change & most certainly, emotions change as well. So its but natural, that one must also keep evolving and altering one's state of being to come to terms with the dynamism of life.
When I realised my relationship with a man I loved, more than myself (perhaps), was over, I was lost, at sea. The relationship was over long before, but Love being blind, deaf & terribly stupid in my case, I just couldnt see this. I kept trying to make it work, compromising on my very self respect to make this man happy, so he would see just how much I cared and loved him. He knew it too. But for reasons known only to him, couldnt step up to the challenge to being My Man! And it takes a lot, mind you, to step into those massive shoes.
So here I was, 30, heart broken and to top it all, with my spirit, perhaps irrepairably damaged. I cried, I prayed, I turned to the Gods like never before and still, nothing budged. To top it all, I had problems at work as well. So, it seemed like nothing in my life was going right. I was down and out! I went through the cycle of guilt, self-blame, anger, despair and of course tears. Never had I loved a man like this. Whether he deserved it or not, well....thats debatable. But when you are in love, you are all consumed by the thoughts of your object of Love. You mind loses its sense of reality & direction. You are but, a lost puppy! You fail to see reason and even the constant advice by your well-meaning friends falls on deaf ears. At the end of it, your friends leave you to your means and ways, hoping you will see the light!
And the light did shine on me....finally!
In November, just before my 31st birthday, I decided to take a short holiday to Jaipur and surrounding cities of Ajmer & Pushkar. And it was with my favourite, much loved cousin from Chandigarh, an avid, but aloof, well-heeled photograhper and a female bohemian, fashion conscious colleague, with little knowledge of the world beyond Mumbai. With such diverse company, I found myself lonely and withdrawn. In Pushkar,as I sat at the beautiful Sunset point across the lake alone, while my cousin captured the sights of the picturesque holy town and my female companion did a round of yoga with the Israeli hippies there, I came to this conclusion, that Life had to change.
I decided, I had had enough. I couldnt go on like this. And worst of all, I knew I had to make this change myself and no one could or would help me with it. I had no close friends left really. Even with people I once considered close, I could feel a distance. I could no longer relate to them. Maybe, it was because, I had spent all my time focussing on a single person, I had forgotten that I had a life and a set of friends too. I knew I had to turn my life around.
And I did exactly that. When I returned, I mentally closed myself off to the past.
- I took to reading with gusto and read all I could lay my hands on. Now lonely Saturday nights with my old folks for company, werent as lonely any more. I read Amitav Ghosh & William Dalrymple and instantatenously was transported back in time to 17th & 18th century, India. I read Amish - his thrilling, fast paced Shiva Trilogy introuduced me to Shiv, my beloved God. I didnt read romantic novels, because they would make me feel terribly lonely again. So I chose my books with care. I took to reading Devdutt Pattanaik, well researched easy to read, pieces on Shiv & Vishnu & Ganpati. For the first time, I read Hindu mythology, which I had no clue about. And what it did was bring me close to my most wonderful Shiv.
- I returned to God, to Shiv. And miraculously, around the same time, there started a TV show on this magnificient Hindu diety, one of three that make up the Holy trinity of the most Supreme Gods in Hinduism (along with Vishnu and Brahma - who is God, but is not worshipped for various reasons). I slowly concentrated on God and my Love for Him grew. The more I read, the more fascinated I became. And I read somewhere "The greatest romance is with the Infinite. You have no idea how beautiful life can be. When you suddenly find God everywhere, when He comes and talks to you and guides you, the romance of divine love has begun." And thus began, my relationship with my God, with my Shiv.
- I watched TV shows on travel and exploration. I mentally pictured myself in those places. I made plans of travel in 2012. I saw shows on things I had never done before. Deep sea fishing, scuba, wild amazonian jungle travel. I tried to take in as much and have now drawn up a list of places to visit. I have always loved to travel and explore. And I have always been a lover of such programming. Earlier, I would discuss with my ex where all we would go. Now for some strange reason, I looked forward to going there myself. Or perhaps with a future companion. I now knew what kind of travel I wanted to do and am looking forward to it.
- I took stock of my life's goals. I had been a relcutant banker too long. It was time to go back to my roots and go back to doing something I was best at. Debating long & hard, I long-last knew I was best at events. Now I am actively seeking opporutnities that would delicately balance my love for this field and my economic & financial goals. Its been difficult coming. I still havent found anything. But, being alone, having had time to myself to do some serious soul searching, I have at least realised now after 9 years of corporate life that this is what I want to do. I now await my long overdue opportunity with bated breath.
- Finally, I started working on myself. My weight, which has ballooned to massive proportions, just has to go. I have renewed my workouts with new found vigour and vitality. I care about what I eat and how often I exercise. I take care now of how I dress and how I look. I am liking the Glow on my face that comes with a good workouts. In fact, I make it a point to tell myself each time I look in the mirror, that I am looking good, even with the spots on the face....(which I have learned to conceal well btw....:p)
Its not been easy. But I can confidently say, that I have managed to escape the downward spiral of self despair. I have emerged stronger and more confident of myself than before. And I am surely happy for the change thats already happened and for the wonderful life that awaits me now in my 30s!
Cheers & Happy reading!
Love......A
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